Saying Goodbye

People always say that losing people gets easier with time. I would say that losing people never gets easier. You just get more experienced at losing people and so the initial sting may not last as long the tenth time around as it did the first.
I remember losing everyone. I remember feeling like anyone I knew and cared for died; because for a while, that’s how it was.
Let’s start with sophomore year. I lost David Young. Now let me be clear; David Young and I were not close on any personal level. I was a sophomore and he was a big football star; a senior that everyone loved. He had an infectious smile and a sweet soul. How’d I know him? Simple. He ate lunch with my friends and I at school. We all shared our lunch table so we shared lunch conversations and smiles. I remember the day he didn’t come to school. I remember Wesley saying it was not like David to not come to school and to not text or call anyone back about it. Well that’s because they found David without a heartbeat in his car, parked in his driveway. His dad found him if I remember correctly. It was tragic. I went to his funeral and cried. I cried because of all the hurt everyone was feeling and because I couldn’t believe that things happened like this to people I “knew.” I won’t forget how full the church was. In fact, people had to stand because of everyone who loved David and who wanted to come and pay their respects and pay tribute to this incredible young man’s life. Saline retired #32 after him, because #32 was now a guardian angel. I remember hearing rumors about him and the girl who was to “blame.” It was Lisa, one of his best girl friends, and someone who he had obviously had feelings for. She was a beautiful senior cheerleader and I had never seen someone change from such a happy person to such a sad individual. Little did I know that’d become me later on in high school.
Junior year, I lost my cousin Austin. He was a year younger than me. He also took his own life. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get tears in my eyes when I write about him still or talk about him. It’s just so upsetting when such a wonderful and loved individual feels so alone and so dark that they can’t stand the thought of another day here. How does someone get that low? They should never feel like that. My dad recently told me he has never seen me so wrecked before as he did when I found out about Austin and for a while after that as well. I remember my parents told me when I got home from my dance class; jazz to be exact. I was in agony. I just remember breaking down and having no control over myself. They lived in Montana and we lived in Michigan. My mom was flying out on the next flight to go say goodbye to Austin. Although the bullet had gone into his head he somehow was still breathing so she was going to his bedside with her sister and all of his family to say one final goodbye to him. I remember thinking this was not happening to me. The next day my dad who was our seminary teacher announced it to all of us so that everyone would understand why I was such a wreck. I couldn’t speak and my eyes were literally puffed up and swollen almost all the way shut. My whole face was puffed up from crying through the whole night as well. I wasn’t allowed to stay home alone though because for obvious reasons my dad was worried about me. Lucky for me I had a wonderful support system. At school, my teachers were so supportive and my Spanish teacher Diana Lauchu even offered to take me to the airport. She said I had to go and have closure with Austin. She was so right. I called my dad from school and he told me there was a flight that next morning and that I would be on it. This was important to me because Austin and I were close. After school, my friends took me to the mall and we had a snowball fight. They were trying to make me happy again. Kristin Borger, Laura Miller, Brian Kerschbaum, and Alex Coleman. It was such a wonderful effort on their part. Laura helped me that night pack. That flight is a blur except I know I hid my face most of the time because I was flying to go attend my fifteen-year-old cousin’s funeral; it’s not something you exactly want to travel for. My Aunt Myrna, his mother, became an inspiration to me that trip. I did not know how someone could be that strong and hold herself together that well. She even went through his belongings and found one of his favorite baby blue Nike sweatshirts to give to me. I wore that every day for at least three months. It was my most prized possession.
Right when I got home from Austin’s funeral, I found out about another individual in my school who had committed suicide; Jake Kaiden. I was not friends with him, but from what I hear he was amazing. And it shook me up all the same because I had literally just gone through it with my cousin.
The next death that really hit home for me was Chris Reid. Let me tell you about Chris. He was my schoolboy crush. And he crushed on me too. But I did not really want a boyfriend and he was to shy to ever ask me. But we hung out. I did the spontaneous things like bake cookies and show up at his house randomly with them just to make his night. And he did fun things with me like watch movies, tease me, and give me nonstop compliments. I still have conversations saved with Chris on Instant Messenger telling me how beautiful I am. Obviously I am not interested in him like that anymore, I am married, but it’s a beautiful memory and one that I would not ever wish to erase. Chris and I had just recently hung out so this experience was all the more a shock to me. In fact, we had been talking on the phone every night, and texting every day. I remember there were nights I was supposed to be in bed but Chris would call, so I’d go and talk to him in the basement closet until my mom caught me. I always told him if I threw the phone and he heard it it’s because my mom had come down and I had to go. He always thought this was hilarious. I’ll tell you what was hilarious. I remember him mustering up the courage to come and give me his senior picture at school. It had a note on the back, something along the lines of, “Hey Lindsay. We will have to hang out sometime soon when I am not grounded. See you around hottie!” It was signed “Love Chris” with the worst heart I have ever seen. I tried not to laugh and thanked him with a big hug. Chris was always such a sweet boy to me. The night I got the devastating call I was with my friend Allison Cody. We had been driving around and then ended up at Maplewood bowling alley in Saline. We went in and of course there was a group of high school kids bowling. We were having a great time with some of our friends who were there, when one of the boys phones rang and they got a call that changed the shape on their face. They told me that Chris was dead. I’ll always remember what I said next, “My Chris? My Chris is not dead!” I ran out those doors so fast in tears to my car and grabbed my phone to see my calls from Chris. I was devastated. This was not happening to me. Allison told me, “Lindsay, Chris is dead. Chris Reid. Your Chris is dead.” I literally collapsed. Her and David Hackett, one of my guy friends had to put me in my car and I don’t even remember who drove me home. I think it was Allison. When I got home I barely made it into my garage when my parents heard me wailing. They came out to the garage and I literally collapsed in my mom’s arms yelling, “Chris is dead!! He’s dead! He’s gone!” That memory is terrible yet tender. My mom basically carried me in my room with my dad, and she laid there with me while I sobbed to the whole world about it. One of Chris’s best friends, Ryan Olson called me a little while later. “Linds, did you hear? Are you okay? You need to be with us right now.” Allison was still up, so I called her. My mom wouldn’t let either of us drive because I was a wreck and Allison was emotional too. My mom drove us probably around midnight or one in the morning to a parking lot to meet all of Chris’s best friends. We hung out for a long time just in silence, hugging and sniffling. Eventually, we started sharing memories of Chris. His best friend Ryan Wysocki was on his phone calling everyone in total disbelief and taking calls about Chris. I really bonded with those boys the next few weeks and that whole summer. I remember it happened on March 31, so I thought that people were trying to April Fool’s me at first. There would be nothing funny about that if it had been an April Fool’s joke. By the way, Chris died in a car accident. He had borrowed his mom’s car and was on his way home, when he went out of control and hit a tree at around 70mph I believe the police said. They tried to life flight him but he died pretty soon after at the hospital. He was less than a mile from his home when he crashed. I hated driving by that tree seeing the flowers and huge ribbons around it. Chris also was huffing when he went into the tree. I vowed never to do anything like that. For a while I was pretty angry with him for doing it. I didn’t even want to go to the prom anymore because I was hoping he would ask me. That next week was spring break. I literally stayed in bed for about a week straight besides to go to Chris’s dads house, to hang out with his best guy friends, and to attend the viewing and funeral. I couldn’t handle any of it. I didn’t know what to do with it. I was so angry with everyone and everything and my heart seemed broken. This wasn’t fair and this wasn’t happening to me. This had not happened to Chris. I was so upset. I remember I literally wouldn’t eat at all. I lay in bed and would not even come to the door or the phone for anyone. Kelsi showed up once. She was the person I cared most to see. She brought me my favorite; peanuts and Velveeta mac and cheese. I remember that made a lasting impact on how much I loved that girl. She went out of her way to help mend my broken heart. Josh Herring showed up too and demanded I get out of bed and took me to walk around a park and talk. My cousin Kory was the other one I really appreciated getting his voicemail. He is the one who lost his brother Austin, and I was just so happy to hear his voice on my voicemail wishing me well and letting me know he loved me. That meant the world to me. That also formed a special bond with Kory and I that we share to this day. Anyways, I was devastated losing Chris.
Then I met Anthony. He was 22 and almost 23. He mystified me because I was only 18 yet he was interested in me. He picked me over all the other girls who threw themselves at him. Anthony was awesome! I remember the night I was hanging out with him at his house and I told him about Chris. He always called me “Doll face” and told me, “Don’t worry Doll face. I’m not going to die on you.” But he did. Anthony was murdered August 3, 2007. I had left to go to Idaho and Anthony had been upset because of a stupid fight we had got into. I caused all the fight too. When I had been seeing Anthony, Laura had been seeing his best friend Teddy. Later I found out from Teddy, who I became very close to that Anthony had liked me from the moment he saw me and told Teddy he had to hang out with Laura so that he could get closer to me. Teddy said reluctantly he had hung out with Laura so that his boy Anthony could spend time with me. This made me smile and laugh. Anthony apparently had told Teddy that I, “Doll face is different than any other girl. I really like her.” He had told Teddy that I was different because I didn’t need to be like the other girls to get his attention and I didn’t like to do dumb things and I had high values and morals. He had never experienced this. I remember this had made me feel more guilty about our “fight.” What our “fight” was, was his friend Kris who was an actor and model, hit on me. It had really upset Anthony that I had hung out with Kris. Anthony and I were not exclusive however, so I acted like it was fine even though I knew he wouldn’t see any of my friends. If I could take that back, I would, and I hope he knows how sorry I am about that. Anyways, Andre Roper, one of his roommates, murdered Anthony in August. Andre and Anthony had got into an argument about money, and it got out of hand. Andre owed Anthony money, and when Anthony confronted him, Andre pulled a knife on him from the kitchen and slit his jugular. There are ugly details involved but I don’t want to talk about them. I will spare the image from your mind. But the worst part about Anthony is realizing that someone could do that to another person; realizing that someone could take someone’s life. Someone I knew was capable of murder. It literally shook me to the core. I was also terribly upset with my friend Laura because Anthony’s friends had asked her to tell me because I was in Idaho and they did not have my number, but she kept it from me until I came home in December. I had been trying to get ahold of Anthony and told Laura, “I’m going to call Anthony once more! Let’s hang out with them tonight!” I had always told her when I was at college to say “Hi!” to him for me too because he hadn’t been answering my calls. Little did I know it’s because he was literally gone and not able to. Laura always went along with it. Well that night I told her we were hanging out with Anthony and Teddy, she broke down and told me that Anthony had died. I locked myself in the bathroom of the house we were out and wondered why this was happening to me again. I lost it. I was even more upset I had missed everything and had not known about it. Laura told me she had been keeping it from me because she did not want me to deal with Anthony’s death because I was still healing from Chris’s. I got ahold of Teddy after getting his number from Laura and Teddy and I became very close. We hung out all the time and he came awhile later and drove me around and told me everything about it. Looking back, I know this was very hard for him because him and Anthony were inseparable. So I’m grateful that he did that for me. I don’t think I fully dealt with his death at the time because there were many times I had breakdowns about it later on. To anyone dealing with a loss, I would advise dealing with it head on.
The next year I lost Alan. A great high school friend, who passed away in a car accident. I remember sitting at his funeral and wondering what in the heck was wrong with me. I had the only dry eyes in the room. I did not shed one tear. I know it’s because my heart was not whole and because I had cried too much over people before and I couldn’t do it again. I remember that’s when I realized I really needed to ask the Lord to heal my broken heart. The fact I didn’t shed a tear at a funeral was inhuman to me. I remember saying prayers to Heavenly Father just to make me be okay and to feel happy again. Eventually it worked.
These were terrible things I dealt with and I would never wish them on anyone. But I can tell you I am a totally different person because of them. It really opened my eyes and helped me to be a better person. I learned that this life is not certain. It can be taken just as quickly as it was given to us. I learned that hate is such a strong emotion and I never wanted anything to do with it. I learned that each person impacts my life and I am grateful for everyone no matter how small or large a role they played in my life. Death is very real, but so is life. And life goes on after death. We must live our lives to the fullest with no regrets. Tell the people you love them that you love them, and mean it. Never wonder “what if” but always think, “I know because I did this.” Appreciate life for what it is; a wonderful gift.