Saved By Tanner

Tanner was the game changer for me. He was the one who changed everything in my life. Meeting him was exactly what I needed, and exactly what God had in store for me.
Let me tell you about my dating life before I met Tanner. In high school, the boys I “dated” were simply boys who wined and dined me (not literally wined since I am LDS), but who were kind enough to get to the first kiss and realized I was not sleazy. Then we would be done and over because I was not lowering my values for them. That was high school in a nutshell for you. I stayed officially single for my whole, well most of, my high school career.
Then came Idaho. I was probably the only girl in Idaho who managed to go there, be surrounded by great LDS boys, and date all of the jerks and the nonmembers. Yes, I had a talent for finding the cream of the crop. Note my sarcasm. It is highly intended. For all intensive purposes, I dated “losers” most of my college life. In fact, most of them were not even real boyfriends. They should never of had the title. But I choose to see the best in these people so I will say that they will make wonderful boyfriends for someone else; just not what I wanted for myself in the end.
I’ll never forget the night I met Tanner. It was probably the second weekend of the new semester in January of 2009. One of my dearest and best friends, Danielle, had come up from Provo to spend the weekend in Rexburg. Let me just say, any friend who would leave Utah to come to Idaho is a dang good friend. Not hating on Rexburg but there’s a lot more recreational activities and things to keep you busy in general in Utah. So anyways, back to my story. Danni was over, and we were getting ready for a dance. One of those “cool” dance parties we used to go to where I caked on way too much makeup and made my hair big. I had a best guy friend in Idaho. Let’s be clear from the start. Many “best guy friends” and their “best girl friend” end up together or have things for each other but not me and Daniel Tyler VanDeventer. He was just hilarious and I guess back then I was hilarious too so it worked. Well, Dan was coming over to meet up with Danni and I before this dance. When he showed up, he had a few friends with him. His new roommates. I remember Tanner was this HUGE muscle man with the prettiest eyes and he was perfect. He was even blonde and I never went for blonde guys! I thought he was way attractive but guessed that nothing would happen since let’s face it, we were going to a dance party where he probably was planning on having a good time and meeting girls. So I kept my cool, don’t worry. Dan introduced me & Danni to Tanner and his younger brother Scott who was there as well. We also met Jason Laughlin, oh the infamous Laughlin. He is a story in and of himself! I can’t remember but I believe their roommate Dusty was there too. So, unfortunately there wasn’t room in one car to go so we took Danni’s and Dan’s. I rode with Danni and Scott, Tanner’s little brother came with us. I was hoping for Tanner but didn’t work out.
The funny thing is about this story; Tanner told me that as soon as he saw me he thought I was the most gorgeous girl ever! Okay, maybe not his exact words but he told me he was interested as soon as he laid eyes on me. That’s still adorable! We also laugh because he was the first blonde I was every truly attracted to you (no offense to blondes, just brunettes were more my thing), and I was the first brunette he thought was gorgeous. He always dated blondes. So it worked out. Anyways, back from my tangent.
Anyways the dance was a dance. Nothing special. Although I noticed I would oddly already get jealous when Tanner was dancing with any girl. This was strange for me because I am not a jealous person! And usually with boys I basically had to get rid of them because I’d be so bored of them from them chasing me. But this time it was different. I could already tell I was interested which didn’t happen super easily.
I remember after the dance hanging out at a house and playing with their dog and Tanner came and joined. I was thinking how adorable he was and was hoping that Danni didn’t go after him because let’s face it, she’s probably the prettiest girl alive, and I knew I wouldn’t stand a chance.
Well in the next couple of days I saw Tanner here and there at his apartment when I was over talking and raving about who knows what to Dan. Tanner says one of his first memories of me was hearing me say to Dan at their kitchen table, “I am NOT having a boyfriend this semester. There is no way.” Tanner says this influenced him and delayed him in asking me to be official with him because he thought I did not want a boyfriend from that stupid statement I made. Well boy was he wrong.
One night a group of us was watching a movie at Dan’s. I had told Dan I thought Tanner was adorable and that I wouldn’t mind having him kiss me. Dan took this literally and when we were all getting ready to watch the movie, informed the group of us that we must sit boy girl across the couch and strategically placed Tanner mushed next to me. Tanner put his arm around me, and later informed me that Dan had told him what I had told Dan in confidence. Oh Daniel! Well Tanner basically snuggled me in the movie, so after I was not about to let him get off easily. I was about to leave and Tan had not even asked for my number. “Oh heck no!” I thought to myself. “So. Should I get your number or were you going to get mine?” Tanner looked pleasantly surprised! He got my number and gave me his. A double win if I’d ever seen one!
We spent the next few days texting, and later on in our relationship Tanner told me that he loved when girls were not shy and when they went out of their way and made the first move. It’s something he was very attracted to with me that I was not afraid to go for what I wanted. He said he loved how for those next few days I would text him funny things that happened or ask how his day was going. He could tell I was a fun loving person who was genuinely interested in his life as well. Things escaladed from there and we were seeing each other or going on a date almost every evening and night of the week. I was in heaven!
I still was not sure if Tanner and I were official so unfortunately I started dating other boys at the same time. No I was not cheating, I just didn’t know that we were exclusive because when I asked him timidly a month or two before I went home for the summer about what we were doing, he said he did not do long distance relationships and that we could continue dating when I came back that next window if we were both still single. If I’m being honest with you, this really peeved me! Who says that? Well I’d show him! So I dated other boys hoping I wasn’t wasting my time on Tanner because I was smitten by him. I had never met a boy as good looking, with as much charm, and so kind! He did spontaneous things for me like leave my favorite candy on the front seat of his car and my favorite soda, which I called “pop” before I met him there as well. He always opened my door, and he always drove me home and was so kind to all of my friends as well. He was a charming gentleman and still is today. I remember coming home one day and telling my roommates, “I’m going to marry that Walker boy one day,” and of course they all laughed because we had not even said, “I love you” or even become “official.” But I didn’t laugh because I was actually pretty dang serious. I was head over heels crazy for this boy, but scared to show it because of a few reasons. I was scared because I didn’t know where we stood and I didn’t want to waste my time on him if he didn’t feel the same way, and I w as scared because with past boys I had never been this crazy about them so I wasn’t sure what came next. I was only 20! And tanner was 25!
Well I’ll tell you about the night Tanner and I absolutely knew we would spend eternity with each other. It was one of the best nights of my life. We hadn’t even said I love you yet but I loved him with all I had and I knew he loved me back. In fact, he later admitted that he had loved me after the first few weeks of spending so much time with me. My roommates threatened to kick me out of the apartment, well technically lock me out, if I came home from our date without saying “I love you.” Now in every other relationship I’d been in the boy had told me he loved me after about the first few days or couple weeks at the latest, and so I will be honest, this freaked me out to tell Tanner I loved him! What if he didn’t love me back? What if he thought I was Looney Tunes? What if what if? There were so many questions running through my head. Tan had taken me to the duck pond. One of our favorite places ever. We always fed the ducks, held hands, walked around, and shared sweet kisses! This night we were talking and watching the water in his car. It was chillier since it was nighttime. It was near the end of the semester and I was so nervous because I knew I was about to get locked out if I failed. I also knew I’d be an idiot if I couldn’t say “I love you” and to chance not having Tanner when I came back from summer and fall break. I started giggling. Tanner looked at me, with a kind smile on his face. All of a sudden I started giggling uncontrollably and it was a very nervous giggle. “What is it? What Lindsay?”
“Um… well, I have something I have to tell you! But I really can’t! But I really have to tell you it or I have no place to sleep.”
“I think I already know what it is,” he said grinning.
“No you don’t. You do not know what it is!”
“Oh but I think I do,” Tanner stated.
“Okay, what do you think it is? What do you think I’m going to say?” I challenged him.
“I love you?” Tanner said.
“YES!!! I love you!” I said. These three words had never felt so good.
“I love you too!!!” He then told me he had loved me for a long time but had been terrified to say it in case I did not feel the same way. He also said he knew I loved him but wasn’t sure how I’d take it actually hearing it when I had, at the beginning of the semester, been so set on not having a boyfriend. I can’t even begin to tell you how happy I was when I had confirmation that Tanner loved me as much as I loved him. I believe I always knew it but I just didn’t want to admit it like I mentioned earlier. As soon as we said “I love you” we held each other close and talked about when we would be married and what temple. We had both already known it was going to happen but now we could move forward because we said it. I remember calling my mom at about 5 or 6 in the morning her time because I was too excited to sleep! I knew who my forever was. My mom was thrilled because she had known how scared I’d been to given someone my all, and she knew from the day I met Tanner that I wanted something from him. There had been countless conversations on the phone with her about what to do about Tanner and the feelings I was having.
The end of the semester came and Tanner and I had no idea what was in store for us when it came to dealing with long distance. And I can’t tell you how upset I was with my dad that spring. My dad was being a total dad about me getting married and thought I was way too young and inexperienced with life to even think about marriage. He told me that Tanner and I could wait awhile if we truly wanted to get married. I told him no. My mom prayed for him and so did I that he would have a softened heart and realize that this was something I knew was right. I remember the drive my dad took me on. He literally took me on a drive to our old house about twenty minutes away in Ann Arbor to have a talk about me marrying Tanner. He said that it wasn’t going to happen for a while. I told him it was happening and he’d have to get used to it. Then he told me he was more open to the idea. That drive was a turning point because I knew once he met Tanner everything would be okay. Tanner flew in to visit and meet my family in May, and to potentially talk to my dad. My dad immediately fell in love with Tanner, as did the rest of my family. I always tease that my mom would marry him if she weren’t already married. She thinks he is the greatest thing ever! And he is. After he left, my dad told me that he would grant Tanner permission to take my hand in marriage. I was so excited! I don’t think you understand. I’ve never been that ecstatic about anything in my life! I, Lindsay Anne Paxman, was going to be Lindsay Anne Walker by the end of the summer. I had never wanted anything so badly in my life!
Tanner eventually got the courage mustered up to call my Dad and have the conversation about marrying me. I remember spying in my parents’ bedroom windows at my dad at his desk trying to see how it was going. You better believe I dialed Tanner’s number as fast as I could once he got off the phone with my dad to see how it went. Clearly, it went perfect. After that wedding plans are all a blur! All I know is we took engagements the first time Tanner was there before he even asked, and we looked darn cute together! Take a look down below.
I say Tanner saved me, and I mean that. Tanner showed me how much value I have. And I’m not saying he did it on his own but he did have the most impact on me. Tanner showed me that I was beautiful not only on the outside, but on the inside as well. Tanner showed me what encouragement felt like from a dedicated man in my life. He showed me that I did not have to lower my standards to be treated well. He respected me always and always does. He treats me like a gentleman. Even after two and a half years of marriage he has never once raised an angry voice to me. Tanner showed me what it’s like to have someone stay calm and to not give up on me. Tanner believed in me, showed me I was someone, an important someone, and that I could be loved right and for the right reasons. Simply said, Tanner saved me. I would not be who I am today if it hadn’t been for Tanner.

*Our first picture as an "official" couple.*

Saying Goodbye

People always say that losing people gets easier with time. I would say that losing people never gets easier. You just get more experienced at losing people and so the initial sting may not last as long the tenth time around as it did the first.
I remember losing everyone. I remember feeling like anyone I knew and cared for died; because for a while, that’s how it was.
Let’s start with sophomore year. I lost David Young. Now let me be clear; David Young and I were not close on any personal level. I was a sophomore and he was a big football star; a senior that everyone loved. He had an infectious smile and a sweet soul. How’d I know him? Simple. He ate lunch with my friends and I at school. We all shared our lunch table so we shared lunch conversations and smiles. I remember the day he didn’t come to school. I remember Wesley saying it was not like David to not come to school and to not text or call anyone back about it. Well that’s because they found David without a heartbeat in his car, parked in his driveway. His dad found him if I remember correctly. It was tragic. I went to his funeral and cried. I cried because of all the hurt everyone was feeling and because I couldn’t believe that things happened like this to people I “knew.” I won’t forget how full the church was. In fact, people had to stand because of everyone who loved David and who wanted to come and pay their respects and pay tribute to this incredible young man’s life. Saline retired #32 after him, because #32 was now a guardian angel. I remember hearing rumors about him and the girl who was to “blame.” It was Lisa, one of his best girl friends, and someone who he had obviously had feelings for. She was a beautiful senior cheerleader and I had never seen someone change from such a happy person to such a sad individual. Little did I know that’d become me later on in high school.
Junior year, I lost my cousin Austin. He was a year younger than me. He also took his own life. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get tears in my eyes when I write about him still or talk about him. It’s just so upsetting when such a wonderful and loved individual feels so alone and so dark that they can’t stand the thought of another day here. How does someone get that low? They should never feel like that. My dad recently told me he has never seen me so wrecked before as he did when I found out about Austin and for a while after that as well. I remember my parents told me when I got home from my dance class; jazz to be exact. I was in agony. I just remember breaking down and having no control over myself. They lived in Montana and we lived in Michigan. My mom was flying out on the next flight to go say goodbye to Austin. Although the bullet had gone into his head he somehow was still breathing so she was going to his bedside with her sister and all of his family to say one final goodbye to him. I remember thinking this was not happening to me. The next day my dad who was our seminary teacher announced it to all of us so that everyone would understand why I was such a wreck. I couldn’t speak and my eyes were literally puffed up and swollen almost all the way shut. My whole face was puffed up from crying through the whole night as well. I wasn’t allowed to stay home alone though because for obvious reasons my dad was worried about me. Lucky for me I had a wonderful support system. At school, my teachers were so supportive and my Spanish teacher Diana Lauchu even offered to take me to the airport. She said I had to go and have closure with Austin. She was so right. I called my dad from school and he told me there was a flight that next morning and that I would be on it. This was important to me because Austin and I were close. After school, my friends took me to the mall and we had a snowball fight. They were trying to make me happy again. Kristin Borger, Laura Miller, Brian Kerschbaum, and Alex Coleman. It was such a wonderful effort on their part. Laura helped me that night pack. That flight is a blur except I know I hid my face most of the time because I was flying to go attend my fifteen-year-old cousin’s funeral; it’s not something you exactly want to travel for. My Aunt Myrna, his mother, became an inspiration to me that trip. I did not know how someone could be that strong and hold herself together that well. She even went through his belongings and found one of his favorite baby blue Nike sweatshirts to give to me. I wore that every day for at least three months. It was my most prized possession.
Right when I got home from Austin’s funeral, I found out about another individual in my school who had committed suicide; Jake Kaiden. I was not friends with him, but from what I hear he was amazing. And it shook me up all the same because I had literally just gone through it with my cousin.
The next death that really hit home for me was Chris Reid. Let me tell you about Chris. He was my schoolboy crush. And he crushed on me too. But I did not really want a boyfriend and he was to shy to ever ask me. But we hung out. I did the spontaneous things like bake cookies and show up at his house randomly with them just to make his night. And he did fun things with me like watch movies, tease me, and give me nonstop compliments. I still have conversations saved with Chris on Instant Messenger telling me how beautiful I am. Obviously I am not interested in him like that anymore, I am married, but it’s a beautiful memory and one that I would not ever wish to erase. Chris and I had just recently hung out so this experience was all the more a shock to me. In fact, we had been talking on the phone every night, and texting every day. I remember there were nights I was supposed to be in bed but Chris would call, so I’d go and talk to him in the basement closet until my mom caught me. I always told him if I threw the phone and he heard it it’s because my mom had come down and I had to go. He always thought this was hilarious. I’ll tell you what was hilarious. I remember him mustering up the courage to come and give me his senior picture at school. It had a note on the back, something along the lines of, “Hey Lindsay. We will have to hang out sometime soon when I am not grounded. See you around hottie!” It was signed “Love Chris” with the worst heart I have ever seen. I tried not to laugh and thanked him with a big hug. Chris was always such a sweet boy to me. The night I got the devastating call I was with my friend Allison Cody. We had been driving around and then ended up at Maplewood bowling alley in Saline. We went in and of course there was a group of high school kids bowling. We were having a great time with some of our friends who were there, when one of the boys phones rang and they got a call that changed the shape on their face. They told me that Chris was dead. I’ll always remember what I said next, “My Chris? My Chris is not dead!” I ran out those doors so fast in tears to my car and grabbed my phone to see my calls from Chris. I was devastated. This was not happening to me. Allison told me, “Lindsay, Chris is dead. Chris Reid. Your Chris is dead.” I literally collapsed. Her and David Hackett, one of my guy friends had to put me in my car and I don’t even remember who drove me home. I think it was Allison. When I got home I barely made it into my garage when my parents heard me wailing. They came out to the garage and I literally collapsed in my mom’s arms yelling, “Chris is dead!! He’s dead! He’s gone!” That memory is terrible yet tender. My mom basically carried me in my room with my dad, and she laid there with me while I sobbed to the whole world about it. One of Chris’s best friends, Ryan Olson called me a little while later. “Linds, did you hear? Are you okay? You need to be with us right now.” Allison was still up, so I called her. My mom wouldn’t let either of us drive because I was a wreck and Allison was emotional too. My mom drove us probably around midnight or one in the morning to a parking lot to meet all of Chris’s best friends. We hung out for a long time just in silence, hugging and sniffling. Eventually, we started sharing memories of Chris. His best friend Ryan Wysocki was on his phone calling everyone in total disbelief and taking calls about Chris. I really bonded with those boys the next few weeks and that whole summer. I remember it happened on March 31, so I thought that people were trying to April Fool’s me at first. There would be nothing funny about that if it had been an April Fool’s joke. By the way, Chris died in a car accident. He had borrowed his mom’s car and was on his way home, when he went out of control and hit a tree at around 70mph I believe the police said. They tried to life flight him but he died pretty soon after at the hospital. He was less than a mile from his home when he crashed. I hated driving by that tree seeing the flowers and huge ribbons around it. Chris also was huffing when he went into the tree. I vowed never to do anything like that. For a while I was pretty angry with him for doing it. I didn’t even want to go to the prom anymore because I was hoping he would ask me. That next week was spring break. I literally stayed in bed for about a week straight besides to go to Chris’s dads house, to hang out with his best guy friends, and to attend the viewing and funeral. I couldn’t handle any of it. I didn’t know what to do with it. I was so angry with everyone and everything and my heart seemed broken. This wasn’t fair and this wasn’t happening to me. This had not happened to Chris. I was so upset. I remember I literally wouldn’t eat at all. I lay in bed and would not even come to the door or the phone for anyone. Kelsi showed up once. She was the person I cared most to see. She brought me my favorite; peanuts and Velveeta mac and cheese. I remember that made a lasting impact on how much I loved that girl. She went out of her way to help mend my broken heart. Josh Herring showed up too and demanded I get out of bed and took me to walk around a park and talk. My cousin Kory was the other one I really appreciated getting his voicemail. He is the one who lost his brother Austin, and I was just so happy to hear his voice on my voicemail wishing me well and letting me know he loved me. That meant the world to me. That also formed a special bond with Kory and I that we share to this day. Anyways, I was devastated losing Chris.
Then I met Anthony. He was 22 and almost 23. He mystified me because I was only 18 yet he was interested in me. He picked me over all the other girls who threw themselves at him. Anthony was awesome! I remember the night I was hanging out with him at his house and I told him about Chris. He always called me “Doll face” and told me, “Don’t worry Doll face. I’m not going to die on you.” But he did. Anthony was murdered August 3, 2007. I had left to go to Idaho and Anthony had been upset because of a stupid fight we had got into. I caused all the fight too. When I had been seeing Anthony, Laura had been seeing his best friend Teddy. Later I found out from Teddy, who I became very close to that Anthony had liked me from the moment he saw me and told Teddy he had to hang out with Laura so that he could get closer to me. Teddy said reluctantly he had hung out with Laura so that his boy Anthony could spend time with me. This made me smile and laugh. Anthony apparently had told Teddy that I, “Doll face is different than any other girl. I really like her.” He had told Teddy that I was different because I didn’t need to be like the other girls to get his attention and I didn’t like to do dumb things and I had high values and morals. He had never experienced this. I remember this had made me feel more guilty about our “fight.” What our “fight” was, was his friend Kris who was an actor and model, hit on me. It had really upset Anthony that I had hung out with Kris. Anthony and I were not exclusive however, so I acted like it was fine even though I knew he wouldn’t see any of my friends. If I could take that back, I would, and I hope he knows how sorry I am about that. Anyways, Andre Roper, one of his roommates, murdered Anthony in August. Andre and Anthony had got into an argument about money, and it got out of hand. Andre owed Anthony money, and when Anthony confronted him, Andre pulled a knife on him from the kitchen and slit his jugular. There are ugly details involved but I don’t want to talk about them. I will spare the image from your mind. But the worst part about Anthony is realizing that someone could do that to another person; realizing that someone could take someone’s life. Someone I knew was capable of murder. It literally shook me to the core. I was also terribly upset with my friend Laura because Anthony’s friends had asked her to tell me because I was in Idaho and they did not have my number, but she kept it from me until I came home in December. I had been trying to get ahold of Anthony and told Laura, “I’m going to call Anthony once more! Let’s hang out with them tonight!” I had always told her when I was at college to say “Hi!” to him for me too because he hadn’t been answering my calls. Little did I know it’s because he was literally gone and not able to. Laura always went along with it. Well that night I told her we were hanging out with Anthony and Teddy, she broke down and told me that Anthony had died. I locked myself in the bathroom of the house we were out and wondered why this was happening to me again. I lost it. I was even more upset I had missed everything and had not known about it. Laura told me she had been keeping it from me because she did not want me to deal with Anthony’s death because I was still healing from Chris’s. I got ahold of Teddy after getting his number from Laura and Teddy and I became very close. We hung out all the time and he came awhile later and drove me around and told me everything about it. Looking back, I know this was very hard for him because him and Anthony were inseparable. So I’m grateful that he did that for me. I don’t think I fully dealt with his death at the time because there were many times I had breakdowns about it later on. To anyone dealing with a loss, I would advise dealing with it head on.
The next year I lost Alan. A great high school friend, who passed away in a car accident. I remember sitting at his funeral and wondering what in the heck was wrong with me. I had the only dry eyes in the room. I did not shed one tear. I know it’s because my heart was not whole and because I had cried too much over people before and I couldn’t do it again. I remember that’s when I realized I really needed to ask the Lord to heal my broken heart. The fact I didn’t shed a tear at a funeral was inhuman to me. I remember saying prayers to Heavenly Father just to make me be okay and to feel happy again. Eventually it worked.
These were terrible things I dealt with and I would never wish them on anyone. But I can tell you I am a totally different person because of them. It really opened my eyes and helped me to be a better person. I learned that this life is not certain. It can be taken just as quickly as it was given to us. I learned that hate is such a strong emotion and I never wanted anything to do with it. I learned that each person impacts my life and I am grateful for everyone no matter how small or large a role they played in my life. Death is very real, but so is life. And life goes on after death. We must live our lives to the fullest with no regrets. Tell the people you love them that you love them, and mean it. Never wonder “what if” but always think, “I know because I did this.” Appreciate life for what it is; a wonderful gift.

It Gets Better

“That pain in your stomach, that pain in your heart, it goes away. That voice in your head that’s saying there's no way out, it's wrong. It gets better.”

This is something I wish everyone knew and believed it. Quotes like these have always been near and dear to my heart. They have always been my favorites, because it’s quotes like these that give encouragement and hope. This quote happens to be from one of my favorite shows, One Tree Hill. This show has aired for eight seasons and it is on its final two episodes. I started watching them in college and have faithfully seen every episode from every season.

I just want to say that this quote is so true. If there were something I could tell those near and dear to my heart that have taken their own lives, it would be this. I would tell them that I love them, that they matter, and that it gets better. This is what I often times had to tell myself when I was a teenager, and often times people told me this too when they saw me struggling. With losing a lot of people I had to be reminded of this everyday to deal with my confusion and pain. And I can tell you; it gets better!

Life gets progressively better. At least it has for me and it has for those who are the best people I know. It should never get progressively worse or something is not in check. And life getting better I have learned does not mean that you are making more money, or living somewhere nicer, or driving a fancier car. It means that you are happy and you like who you’ve become. It means at the end of the day your soul is at peace and your mind is not troubled. Life getting better means you are evolving and becoming a better person. It means that you are accomplishing being a better human being. This life is beautiful. Make the best of it. Be the best you!

Nanny Lindsay

Being a nanny. There’s really not another job out there quite like it. It has its ups and downs like any other job has, but all in all you couldn’t ask for a better one. It’s so rewarding and you get paid to be a kid again. Let me explain.
I started in the nanny business when I was a senior in high school. It was actually fall/winter of 2006. I was introduced to Clara Adiska, the cutest little African American girl you have ever seen. I met her and her single mom through assistant coaching volleyball. It was just a fun after school program for these kids to be able to learn some volleyball and have some fun. I found out that Clara’s mom was a photographer and often worked hectic hours. She asked if I’d be interested after volleyball ended, in being Clara’s regular babysitter. I agreed and had so much fun doing it! There is really only one word to describe Clara, and that is spunky. That girl was so funny and so full of life and energy! I haven’t ever met another person like her, and it’s unlikely I ever will. I watched Clara a lot actually; I’d mostly pick her up from after school care at the school, or just school in general. We would usually go back to my home. She liked it there better than at her home that was always empty. Clara loved my family and they loved her. Taylor loved her so much he showed no mercy in teasing her, just as he does with his sisters. She really was like part of the family, and used to sleep over and go to church sometimes as well. It was pretty awesome being the coolest babysitter ever in someone’s book, and really being like a big sister to her. I hope that girl never changes! We had so much fun singing, dancing, jamming out in my car, laughing at random funny things we saw on our drives home, making faces at each other, eating together, and just hanging out. It was by far one of the most rewarding and easy jobs I have ever had. I miss her! Her mom was always very sweet to me too. Sometimes she took advantage of our family, or so others would say, but I tried not to let it bother me because I knew she was struggling to find herself after a divorce and to support and raise a daughter. If I could do it again, I’d soak all the praise in of being a nanny and truly always be there for Clara. She needed that. I tried, but I would try harder if given the chance.
My next nanny job was with my three all time favorite Smith girls. These girls will forever hold this huge special place in my heart. I adore everything about them! They were such a joy to work for and with. First of all, the pay was great. I know you were wondering. I made about $500 a week. The hours were demanding, about 7am to 7pm Monday through Fridays, and then sometimes they’d ask me to come in Saturday afternoons after I got done working my Real Estate secretary job for Reinhart in the mornings. But all those hours were so worth it! These girls were darling. When I would nanny them, Cezanne was 9, Marlowe was 7, and Cossette was 2 turning 3. I would get the girls ready for school; feed them breakfast, do their hair, help pick out their outfits, get them lunches, bundle them up if it was cold out, etc. Then, Cezanne would usually take the bus but I usually drove Marlowe to school. I then had my one on one time with Cossette for the day. Since she was so little she had no responsibilities or obligations! We would do anything from watch TV at the house to go play at a park for a few hours. Sometimes she would run errands with me as well that Lori, their mom sent me on. Usually to the grocery store Trader Joes or to pick something up that the girls needed for an afterschool activity. Cossette was a joy! I remember one time while driving her around, hearing a little “scrape, scrape, scrape” in the backseat. Curious to see what the noise was I looked through the rearview mirror. Cossette had gotten ahold of a marker one of the older girls had left in the back seat, and had managed to reach up with her hand (she was a taller two year old, for real), and was drawing happily as can be back and forth on my car sealing. I was mortified! It never came out, and my parents were not happy, especially my dad who was the rightful owner of “my” car, but it always makes me smile to this day when I look back and see those marks there. They remind me of all my fun times with those girls.
These girls truly were like my own little sister. They made me love children. Well I always did, but they helped me realize how gifted I was with children. I remember one time having to put Marlowe in a timeout because she had smacked Cezanne or something along those lines. She lost her temper and so I had to put her in her room until she could cool down. I remember her writing this note. It was about 6 or 7 post it notes stuck together in one big line that she slipped out underneath her door. I kept it and still have it at my parents’ house in my memorabilia. It said something along the lines of, “Dear Lindsay. I am sorry for what I did. Please let me out of time out right now or I am not going to be your friend anymore. From, Marlowe.” I couldn’t help but crack up when I saw this! What seven year old writes a note like that, especially to their nanny? I loved it! It made me laugh and of course, I had to let her out within a few minutes. Those girls taught me a lot. Marlowe was so tender hearted. I remember driving her by a grocery store. We saw a kid who had special needs. Marlowe got this look in her eyes and said, “You know what Lindsay? People at my school make fun of people like them because they’re different. But I think they’re beautiful. I love them.” I choked up when I heard her say this. My heart stopped because of how pure and innocent she was. They often times reminded me of the importance of being young at a heart like a child. I loved them so much because no matter what I did, or how badly I messed up, not with them but in that rough time in my life when I was searching for myself, they thought I was the bees’ knees. They treated me like I was a rock star. I’ll never forget this one-day when I was driving Marlowe to her gymnastics class. We had the windows down, because it was lovely weather. Driving down the road, a bee flew directly in the window! We both started freaking out; especially Marlowe because it was very close to her! I had to pull over and we both jumped out of the car on the side of the road and ran around until the bee came out! At the time she was terrified but then it was hilarious. Memories like those are what made my every day.
Cezanne and I bonded in a special way. She was wiser beyond her years. So she understood a lot of things. I remember I fell asleep at the wheel once when I was driving her to school. Luckily for me, we just hit a mailbox and it woke me up and no other car came close to hitting us, but I can tell you it shook me up beyond belief. Not because of myself crashing. I had been super sick and very overworked, so it was no surprise that running on no sleep I crashed my car falling asleep. But it shook me up because Cezanne had been in the car with me. I kept thinking “what ifs” but my mom said to not do that to myself because nothing bad had happened. When I called her parents who were out of town to let them know, they were so kind and loving toward me. I didn’t lose my job and they weren’t even mad. In fact, my boss Lori said she had experienced a dream about that a few nights before. So weird! But anyways, when I looked over at Cezanne to make sure she was okay (we hit the mailbox on my side of the car, so physically I knew she was fine), she was cracking up! I thought something must be seriously wrong with this child. Here I was trying to keep it together and not burst out into tears and she was there cracking up! It made me feel so much better that she was fine and was making the best of things. She told everyone she couldn’t wait to tell them about this and that “TONS of mail flew out of the mailbox into the air!” when we hit it. Clearly, this was untrue, but it was a very clever idea. So I went with it if that’s what made her happy. I’ll never forget that. That was a life long lesson that I had to take better care of myself and be more responsible with getting more sleep, etc. It was definitely a wake up call for sure. I can promise you I never drive when my eyes are even a little tired now. Because that’s how I crashed; I remember Cezanne talking to me and telling me a story and the next thing I knew my eyes were shut. Terrifying! I never want that to happen to me again! Lucky for me it was just a dent on the side, and a broken mailbox and some minor damage the car mechanics fixed quickly. I remember being pretty shaken up after though, and having my friends drive me around places for a bit after that. To this day I feel guilty for not being more responsible, but I know the Lord was watching over me and just wanted me to learn a valuable lesson. He is so mindful of us all.
I was fortunate and blessed enough to make another dear, sweet friend while being a nanny for the Smiths. This was Robin Laurent; Lori Smith’s mother. She was living with them temporarily from Florida, because Robin’s mother was living at the Smith’s home until she passed away. She lived in the basement and was, for the most part, bed ridden. Robin took such tender care of her mother, and it never ceased to amaze me. I remember bonding with Robin more and more each day. I seriously adored her. She was like a grandmother to me. Every day I was sick with even the slightest cough or cold, she’d make her honey lemon herbal tea for me and it was delicious. She’d usually enjoy a cup with me while I was sitting drinking it, and we’d always end up in a deep discussion. I learned a lot about her life and her trials and her background. I seriously have a big spot in my heart for her as well. Even thinking about it gets tears in my eyes as I remember her getting baptized. She asked Marlowe and I to sing at it and we did. I’ll never forget that. She joined the church while I was working there, and I remember her asking me questions and also having the sister missionaries over consistently. She always wanted to help out people in the ward to, and in general, even before she was a member. I knew she was an amazing soul from the time I met her. I’ll never forget her. My mom says she still asks about me when she comes to visit in Michigan, and that warms my heart! I wish I saw more of her. She used to let me take her car, which was a lot nicer than mine, to run errands. She would randomly offer it when she wasn’t using it. Also, if I had to leave early, she would take over watching her grandchildren until the parents got home, so that I could take off. That woman was a Saint to me.
At first, I must admit I was terrified of Lori, my boss. She was so powerful and intimidating both at her home and in the business world. Also, I’m just going to throw it out there; she had a fabulous wardrobe and purse collection, which makes a woman all the more intimidating. Eventually when I stopped being scared of her, I was able to talk to her about lots of things. I remember her once telling me that I reminded me of her someone who she had been very close to. This was very flattering to me. By the end of my time being the nanny of the Smith children, we had grown very close. Apparently, I hear from my boss now, that when she called Lori for my reference I had put down, she raved about me. Actually everyone’s told me that. Lori was truly by far my best employer ever. I’ve never met a woman with more on her plate and she always handled it so gracefully and diligently. She is one of the hardest working women I have ever known. I don’t know how she did it all! Lori was also very smart! And she’s beautiful. So a double threat! She truly was an inspiration to me. I cherish and value our lasting friendship even though I hardly see any of them anymore; just on my rare visits to visit home in Michigan.
The reason I became unemployed with the Smiths was because Andrew, the father, was sadly laid off of his job. The economy hit rock bottom and he was one of their top employees, and let go of. I remember exactly how it happened. He came home early from work one day; and I mean really early. I thought it was interesting. When he saw me, he told me I could go home. Then when it was just me in my car getting ready to go home, Andrew came out to the driveway. He told me that this would be my last week working for them. I thought I had done something wrong and was reviewing everything in my mind. Then he let me know, “I lost my job today.” So basically, he would be home 24/7 and they wouldn’t be able to pay me. I was seriously so sad! I was leaving for Idaho in 3 weeks anyways, to go to school, so it wasn’t a huge deal, but I was still very sad because I loved and adored those girls. They truly were heaven’s angels and I had the pleasure of working and hanging out with them every day! That family will always hold the dearest place in my heart and I will always have fond memories of them. No job has beaten that job!
When I moved to California, I was lucky enough to be set up with a job. Kristy Dunning, called my sister in law, Melissa about needing help a couple times a week. I was new to California and hardly knew anyone, but Melissa suggested me because she knew I did nothing all day, literally, and was looking for a job for some income for us. If you don’t know, California is very expensive to live. Our rent is $1,025 a month for a junior bedroom, which is smaller than a one bedroom! And that doesn’t include anything; just the flat out rent fee. Needless to say, I needed a job and stat. So Kristy had me come, and it worked out great! When I started Rowan was 2 almost 3, Sarah was 1, and Shelby was only 6 months. Now, I still work for them here and there, usually once a week, and Rowan is 5, Sarah is almost 4, and Shelby about to turn 3. I have literally watched those children grow up. At first it was hard. These kids had no structure; not because of Mark and Kristy, but because of the fact they were so close in age. They all needed attention 24/7. It was hard and often times I wanted to burst in tears. But as I grew to love them, the job became easier and more enjoyable. Now, those kids are just a joy to watch! They have all grown up so much, and it makes my job so much better. They are so fun and they act like I am part of their family. All of them do, including the parents. It always melts my heart because every time I come over, it’s like Shelby hasn’t seen me in years! She freaks out and gets so excited and won’t let me put her down. “Winseeee!!!” she always screams. That’s how she pronounces “Lindsay!” Kristy tells me that she loves me more than anyone (besides her family of course), because I have been with her since she was a baby. And it’s true. She picks me over her grandparents every time. Sometimes it’s awkward, but at the same time it makes me feel so great because I know that I have done a wonderful job of giving her the love and attention that she needs. Who wouldn’t be proud of that? With these kids we like to literally chase each other around, go to the park near their house and play, especially on swings, and to watch fun movies together. I also paint the girls nails regularly because they love it!
I now have a nanny job with the Fallcetti family. They are awesome! I lucked out and applied randomly to their job ad, and got the job! I even had to compete with a lot of other nannies who applied to the job. Lucky for me I got the “call back” and was picked out of everyone. Apparently I ranked first on all of their lists, which made me super happy to know. The kids are Luke 10, and Lizzie 8. They are awesome! It’s such a difference to nanny older children. And I mean a good difference. While I learned lots with younger children, older children are a nice change of pace. I pick them up from school and help them get through their homework. I take them to their afterschool activities. But other than that we get to hang out. We all like to play games on our phone and iPods, play outside, play sports together in the backyard, and do board games. Today I even taught them “Sequence,” which is a personal favorite of Tanners, and mine and they are already hooked. The parents treat me great, and other sources that know both them and me, tell me how much they sing my praises. I’m happy I have found a family that works out so great for us! On top of that it’s only a 5-minute drive from our place to theirs, and I get paid amazing! Better than any job I ever have. I am excited to be with this family and for the opportunities it brings to Tanner and me financially, and it has definitely made me a happier person. It’s true; when you love your job you are happier!
Being a nanny has truly shown me a different side of life. It’s shown me the side of being a parent. Yes I know, I’m not a parent to these children, but it’s helping me prepare for parenthood. And I should say, I need more preparing than Tanner does. Tanner is amazing with children and so gentle and patient with everyone. Like I’ve told you before, I lucked out with him. God was very generous to me. Being a nanny has been a lifesaver for me. It has caused us to stay afloat financially, and it is preparing me for the most important call I will ever have; motherhood. You really can’t find a better job than being a nanny.

Judgment

Making judgments of others is something that I have strived not to do for so long. Of course, we know there are the healthy judgments that have to be made. Like should I ride home in this car with these friends of mine who have been drinking? Or should I really trust so and so with lending money to them? These judgments are necessary and healthy actually because they allow you to set boundaries. But judgments made on an individual who I know nothing about, that’s something I feel I have done very well at steering clear from. Why? I have steered free of them because I have had judgments passed on me.
I remember after Chris dying feeling judged. I felt judged that people thought I was depressed or something. I remember walking through the halls of our high school after he had died, the first day back at school. I remember leaving class randomly in the middle, because something triggered a memory and I’d burst out in tears. I’d literally just walk out the door until I could compose myself. I felt judgments then. Sure, some people understood and knew what I was dealing with, others did not. But I still felt judged. I hated feeling like people were talking about me and feeling sorry for me. I didn’t want that.
Another thing I often felt judged from was people thinking I was stuck up and mean. I have been told that my “normal” face or “thinking” face as I have labeled them just looks mean. I don’t sit there and smile all the time because that feels awkward to me. So even if I’m in the best mood ever, my normal face may not seem very kind. It’s not that I’m mean at all though, or stuck up. I’m actually the opposite of both those two! But I can’t tell you how many roommates from college or boys and girls in high school and college told me they thought I was super stuck up and mean the first time they saw me. Not met me but saw me. Because as soon as they met me, they knew I was nothing but kind and that I had a huge open heart to anyone who waltzed into my life.
Let’s see. Another judgment I felt throughout high school was that I did things such as having sex, getting high, and drinking. When in reality, I have never done any of these things in high school. And I only did one of them after I was married. I’ll leave that to you to decide which thing that was. But anyways, I had friends who did all three of these things, actually most of my friends did. And I felt as though people automatically assumed I did them until they actually got to know me.
One last judgment I often felt was that I was this “dumb blonde.” You know, this “pretty” girl who is dumb. And not calling myself pretty, but it’s something I have always been told I am. And that’s not being conceited; it’s showing you how I felt judged. I often felt like because I was “pretty” I was not “smart” or at least that’s what others thought. And often times I proved them right by not applying myself in certain classes like math, but I knew that I was smart and this judgment and stereotype was hurtful. I actually began to truly believe that I was stupid. I remember coming home from school one day and being overly sensitive because of hearing how many times I was hilarious because I was so “clueless.” And I should let you know, people who called me “stupid” didn’t directly say that word. They just made fun of me at my expense when it came to school and me. They were my good friends, and I laughed along like I thought my lack of knowledge was funny. Anyways, I remember coming home from school and just breaking down to my dad and crying. My dad reminded me that nobody should ever be calling me this, and told me how smart I was and how capable I was. I won’t ever forget that. It was one of those turning points for me. To know that my parents knew who I really was and that I was capable; they believed in me. That still means the world to me, to this day. I’m sure it always will.
College was great. But I still knew there was judgments passed on me. Most of these were totally wrong. I remember going to a fun dance party, where my friend Kariana and I were dressed as cowgirls. We looked cute in my opinion! And boys must have thought so too because we got a lot of attention. It was all good attention though, clean attention. Well when we were leaving the dance party, a group of girls were outside. I found out later one of them had a boyfriend who thought I was pretty. I was not even aware of this and hardly said two words to him the whole time I knew him. Well, they ruined my night. When I was walking by them with Kariana, they said, “Wow they’re skanks!” They were looking directly at us. I basically had to hold Kariana back not to throw a punch at them. It was just so rude! I was so far from being a skank. I remember breaking down to my dad yet again telling him how the girls at BYU Idaho were terrible. Lucky for me, I was proved wrong on my own judgment by having the best roommates in the world. I adored them!
My point in sharing all of these judgments with you is to let you know how hurtful they are. And also to let you know how far from the truth they usually are. Yes, it is arguable that judgments are okay, because sometimes they’re crucial. But even in doing so, always be Christ like and kind. Always remember before pointing fingers and judging that the person you are being unkind to is everything to someone. Our Savior and Heavenly Father also love them just as much as they love you. I have learned that everyone has their story, and they deserve a chance to tell it. Judgments are harsh. They shouldn’t be passed and it’s not our job to pass them. So I try my hardest not too. Because one day I will need mercy and I want to be deserving of it. Rather than judging, try loving. You never know what friends you will gain. You never know what battles someone is fighting. But I can promise you people are fighting battles. Until I met Tanner, I felt like I was dealing with this hidden broken heart that I kept very protected. People didn’t know about it, but rather for the most part judged on what they thought they saw in me and knew “about” me. They were always pleasantly surprised to find out who I really was and what I was really about. If you take the time to love rather than judge you will always be better off.

Birthday Parties

Every kid dreams of this huge birthday bash! They picture endless amounts of money to support all their fantasies, and with the entire school coming, and possibly even a few famous people. Sounds a little like “My Super Sweet 16” right? I never had a party like this, and to be honest, I am happy I didn’t. I had something better. I had homemade birthday parties!
It’s safe to say that my birthday parties were always a huge hit! We usually hosted them at my home and they always included some of my favorite highlights of every year. Since I had my parties, for the most part, at home, I was able to invite all of my friends who I was comfortable inviting. I always had a huge handful of people there! My mom always had me write “please no gifts” on my invitations because she didn’t want people to feel obligated to bring presents. Amazing woman I know! At the time I hated it, but looking back, it was wonderful of her. Well, fortunately for me, people brought presents regardless.
The anticipation of waiting for my guests to arrive was always killer to me! But it was well worth it. My dad was the king of birthday parties. Everyone knew they could depend on him for the best treasure hunts worldwide. He would always create these elaborate treasure hunts that took us all around the yard, the house, and even sometimes the neighborhood. It meant the world to me and everyone loved it. At the end there would always be a fun treasure of candy or something similar for us to split up.
We’d play music freeze, musical chairs, balloon volleyball, and any other game our heart desired.
Little Caesars provided my favorite pizza for all the parties, and my mother my homemade birthday cake. My favorite ever was, and continues to be, her homemade Oreo ice cream cake. It is fabulous and everyone who hasn’t had any in their life is definitely missing out! I can promise you that!
The only sad thing about my birthday parties is they flew by way too fast. I was always sad to see them end and to see my party diminish friend by friend as their parents came to pick them up. Lucky for me, my absolute best friends lived next door. So I was usually able to extend the party to an overnight one! Sleepovers were the best with these girls Meagan and Eileen, and we had unbelievable fun!
I’m grateful for a family that did birthday parties this way to teach me how to not be spoiled, and to teach me that a celebration is truly about the people involved and what you are celebrating. In reality, it’s not about the presents you get or don’t get, the money spent, or anything like that. It’s all about good people and good friends having the best of times. My birthday parties were unforgettable.

Jody Ebert

Have you ever had a person in your life, not a member of your family, but a random person who cares deeply for you? And who cares genuinely for you? I have. Her name as Jody Ebert.
Jody Ebert is one of the most kind hearted, loyal, and lest selfish people I have ever met. She is gorgeous inside and out. I don’t even know where to begin with how wonderful she is.
Church was great, and Jody is one of the main reasons why it was so wonderful. Jody was my Laurel advisor. Her gentle manner and kind words are what attracted me to her most. She always had my best interest at heart, and she was always very concerned with me and aware of what was going on in my life. She was one person I can say was honestly there for me without fail at all times. Another huge thing is she was in tune with the Spirit. This made her all the more meaningful to me. Let me explain.
One night I was home alone. All of a sudden I was overcome with an overwhelming sadness and pain in my heart that I felt. My heart was hurting so bad and it didn’t feel like it would ever be healed. I remember being in my room and just breaking down and asking Heavenly Father to please make it stop. I can’t remember the particulars of what triggered that melt down, but I knew the main reason was I felt as if I was losing so many people in this life and to the most tragic things. I was particularly upset that Austin had taken his own life. None of it seemed fair or okay to me. I remember praying out loud and asking, no pleading, with Heavenly Father to let me know that it was going to be okay, and to give me someone who understood what I was dealing with, to let me know I wasn’t alone. Just then, literally as soon as I finished that prayer, the home phone rang. Since I was the only one home, I pulled myself together quickly and ran and got the phone. It was Jody. She said she had just had a feeling she should call and ask how I was doing with everything. I don’t think she will never know how appreciated and inspired that call was.
To me it felt like I lost my way a little, and Jody was one of the main people to help make me feel worth something and to find my way back; to find my true self, my happy self again. Whenever I seemed upset at church, or if something seemed off about me, it was like she had a sixth sense. Jody always knew. And she always sought me out to make sure that I had the support I needed and to let me know that she was there. Jody was never judgmental and was always cheering me on. And it wasn’t just me. Somehow she managed to know exactly what all the needs were of each of us girls, and she always went above and beyond what she was required to do to make our lives that much better.
One of my favorite things about my relationship with Jody and I were the emails we would share back and forth with each other. We would email about anything and everything, from wishing each other a happy day, to giving words of encouragement through a rough time. Her emails always put a smile on my face and brightened my entire day.
I remember one youth activity, I can’t remember what had happened, I think it was around the time of my cousin Austin’s death. He had committed suicide and it had really impacted me for the worse at the time. I had a hard time holding myself together. I remember leaving in the middle of the activity and going to cry in the bathroom. Jody came and found me and just sat with me for a while and let me open up my heart to her about what I was felling. I should tell you, she’s a professional counselor for her job, so she can’t be beat. Not only does she have the experience, but she has the Spirit with her as well. Every time like this, after I opened up to Jody, I felt so much better. I knew at the end of the day that I had at least one person who cared about me and loved me so much! It meant the world to me, especially through those tough times. Jody never gave up on me, or any of the other girls. She always saw our divine potential and encouraged us through both her words and even more so her actions and divine example that we could be amazing; that we were amazing and could reach our full potential. She encouraged each of us to do better and to be better, in the most loving way I have ever witnessed. She believed in me and never gave up even when at times it seemed I had given up on myself. She made me believe I was strong and capable. That was everything to me.
I will forever hold a fondness and special place in my heart for this tremendous woman.